Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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