He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
