I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
