Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
