I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
