I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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