happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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