so that wasnt chicken after all
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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