everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
