i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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