Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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