i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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