Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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