Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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