Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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