I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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