he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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