Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
