he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
