You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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