wanna go halves on a baby?
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
