Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
