note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Can you bring me the toilet please
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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