my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
