Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
