On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
