I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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