she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
this boner is exhausting
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
you never un-have a 4some
I use my feet as sexual weapons
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
