oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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