I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
