My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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