I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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