I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I love having hate sex.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
