yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
