I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
