Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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