people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I didn't notice because vodka
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
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