I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
