dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
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