True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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