this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
