I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
