She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
