bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
