Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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