My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
