I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
