I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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