If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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