so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
