Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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